My Favorite Quotes

One of my favorite quotes goes something like this:

"From the sublime to the ridiculous is but a step . . . "

It is often attributed to Napoleon, after his emperial army gloriously conquered Moscow, then suffered a humiliating retreat. I think it captures the essence of human frailty and folly.

Unfortunately, I am reminded of this sentiment often; like when my Jag convertible broke down with a busted radiator a couple of years ago. You look pathetically absurd, helpless on the side of the road with a gorgeous, smoking car. (I am James Bond in my own mind; more like Austin Powers or Johnny English in reality.)

And this gem, from one of my favorite writer/philosophers, Albert Camus:

"Everyone would like to behave like a pagan, with everyone else behaving like a Christian."

Actually, I don't believe that this is true. Behaving "like a pagan," whatever that is, carries with it a high price. Ask Keith Moon. (I can't say that Keith was a "pagan"; but his public persona probably was.)

Which reminds me of something funny that I think I can attribute to myself (remember I said I was self-important):

"It's not good to be a miser; but it's sure good to be related to one."

I came up with that one in the context of my God-fearing grandmother who, God bless her, lives in a nursing home at the age of 98. She and her extended family managed to wrest a lot of money out of the dirt in the hills of Eastern Tennessee, with hard work, frugality and faith. They managed to keep most of it.

Surely someone else (someone famous) has said something similar. Someone like Woody Allen, Oscar Wilde, or Will Rogers. If you are ever in a quiz show, and have to name the person who is credited with a humorous quote, you can't go wrong guessing one of those guys. Or Winston Churchill.

The Jemima Story

The irony in my daughter's name is fairly self-evident to those of us in the United States. I was almost violently resistant to it back in 1998 when my pregnant wife and stepdaughter recommended it. (It was suggested to them by the little girl, Jemima Potts, in Ian Fleming's "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.")

Our pastor, a mountain of a man with a towering intellect to match, pulled me aside after church one Sunday. He urgently whispered, "Don't let her do that to your unborn child.". (Hell, the name Jemima is even in the Bible: see last sentence of the Book of Job, for those of you following along at home.) It means "turtledove" in ancient Hebrew.

The lines became drawn so fiercely that I suggested putting the issue to Oprah Winfrey for arbitration. I figure, if it doesn't offend Oprah, then maybe I can live with it. Of course, since I didn't have Oprah's cell number (or email address for that matter), this wasn't an option.

Then I remembered my best friend from U.S.C., who had long since made it out of the Lambda Chi house and is now a successful screen writer (best known for "Spy Game" with Redford/Pitt).

First I got my wife to agree in principle to abide by my friend's verdict, which for me was a foregone conclusion. (This guy is a rarity: a conservative in Hollywood!.) When I reach him on the phone, you can imagine my shock when he says, "You won't believe this, but I've typed the name 'Jemima' about a thousand time in the past 6 weeks!"

Unbeknowst to me, he was adapting a John LeCarre novel for the big screen, involving a sexy female character by the name of Jemima Marshall. Then came the coup de grace, "I was going to name my son that if he had been born a girl!." Sheez.

I put down the phone with a face that looked like it had just seen a ghost. My wife simply said, "Good. Jemima it is."

So this is the story I tell at cocktail parties when it invariably comes up. For those of you from outside the United States, you probably will not understand the stigma associated with that name. In England, the name is rare but not unheard of: Take Jemima Goldsmith, for example, one of the most beautiful women in the world.

But in the U.S., it was used by propagandist Southern literature following our Civil War. A myth was started about a household slave, freed by her Southern masters after the war, who chose to remain on the plantation to serve up pancakes to the returning Confederate soldiers. Basically, a female "Uncle Tom."

Then, nearly a hundred years later, an advertising firm on Madison Avenue thought of naming the first instant pancakae mix, "Aunt Jemima." The rest, as they say, is history. It was an example of brilliant marketing ("slave in a box") that is now quite offensive.

I thought at the time that I simply did not want to offend African Americans. (I have yet to meet any who are offended, by the way.) But maybe, just maybe, I had been programmed with "white guilt." Or that I did not want to confront that shameful chapter of American history, or dignify it with my daughter's pretty face. At any rate, all that is forgotten, because I lost and won at the same time. She's the only Jemima at her school, if not the entire South/Midwestern United States, and I love her all the more so because of it.

The Lost Colony, Sir Walter & Queen Elizabeth

Recently I took my daughter Jemima to see the musical/play called "The Lost Colony" on Roanoke Island. (www.thelostcolony.org). It's the longest-running outdoor production in America. (Native son Andy Griffith famously got his start there, starring as Sir Walter Raleigh, circa 1940.)

To me there's still something magical and mysterious about this story, especially on a balmy summer evening under the same starry sky gazed upon by the first English-born Americans.

Since my blog is dedicated to life's little (and not so little) ironies, my favorite part in the play is when Raleigh presents Queen Elizabeth with the tobacco and potatoes that he "discovered" in Virginia (now the Outer Banks of North Carolina).

The Queen takes one whiff of the smoke and gags; one taste of the potato and scoffs. She curses him for presenting her with such lowly treasure, having expected something valuable to swell the crown's coffers. The year is around 1587, so perhaps she can be forgiven for having more pressing concerns of defending England from the imminent menace of the Spanish Armada.

But when you think about it, those New World products certainly had the last laugh. It's difficult for me to think of more profitable enterprises in the history of mankind than tobacco and french fries. Addictions are easy to sell, what say?

Pictured are Jemima and Queen Elizabeth at the cast party after the performance. Sorry I can't remember the actresses' name. She wore a dress that cost $15,000.00 and weighed something like 20 pounds. With make-up, she was Her Majesty personified. A fun night and good history lesson for all of us.